What now?
How can you celebrate in a season of loss?
Miriam Neff
originally published in Mature Living Magazine, Dec 2021
HOLIDAYS AHEAD! Joy, celebrations, anticipation, and more. Except. Not everyone is feeling it. I’ve been there. An empty chair, a hole in your heart, even dread. Life is real and things have changed. Someone or something is missing.
The death of a loved one. Divorce. Job loss. Broken relationships. Can’t we just skip the end of the year and land in January for a fresh start?
Truly, no one can say, “I understand.”
Some say it, and in our heart we reply, “No, you don’t.”
“You weren’t married 24/7 to the love of my life.”
“You still have a job, money to spend on gifts and celebrations.”
“How do we help our grandkids now? Two different addresses. Anger in their backpacks with their pajamas.”
I don’t know your specific loss, but I do under- stand facing holidays and thinking, I don’t have a clue what to do. That recognition is a beginning. Change will march in, uninvited and unwelcome, but better faced than denied. This Christmas, ask God to give you what you need to celebrate His ultimate gift of love in this season of your loss.
God’s Gift of Contentment
Prepare for the unexpected feelings, both positive and negative. Some are so mundane: You can’t believe that thought brings tears. Remembering a favorite dish that doesn’t need to be prepared, returning an item that needn’t be purchased, staring at the empty place at the table. That loss of someone we love — whether a child, spouse, or other important person in our life — jars our emotions when we least expect it.
Flexibility is a requirement, ready or not, like it or not. Changes are not necessarily permanent, and things will be different anyway. Let go of your expectations of yourself and of others.
You may be surprised at loved ones who can’t show up. Their memories are too painful in that space. We have no choice but to let go. The future may mean connecting in new places and new ways. Gathering in a different home might mean everyone can be present. That move may be temporary, but it is an important way to commu- nicate that being together still matters.
Try something different, something light- hearted. Go to an event you’ve never included in your holiday before. Talk to family members who might want to share this outing with you. Be prepared to go alone.
Holding on to expectations of others is inviting disappointment. Your happiness is not another person’s responsibility. Those expectations actually drive others away. I can promise you that God wishes to give you the gift of contentment — for any time, any place, any circumstance. Keep Philippians 4:11 as a ready response: “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself.” Pray in faith, asking God to give you contentment.
Ask God to give you what you need to celebrate
His ultimate gift of love.
God’s Gift of Comfort
Loneliness is a reality this side of heaven for all of us. Loss brings loneliness and a void that cries out to be filled. In the holiday season, this void can mean danger.
“Everyone is with someone.” A hasty choice of companionship is usually a poor one. Find a light reading series of books and read through them all. Nighttime can be lonely, and a great book can be a comfort.
Making plans helps combat loneliness. Ask God to fill each day with something meaningful and mark on your calendar ideas He brings to your mind. Here are some ideas to consider:
Make a memory. For example, for Christmas, create an ornament with the name of the person you miss, a photo of your loved one, and a word that describes him or her.
Sign up for a service project this season. You will hopefully meet interesting and kindhearted people as you serve alongside them. A side benefit is seeing you are not the only one struggling.
Reach out to others. Do you have a friend who has experienced loss? It’s OK to say, “I remember ... ” and share a memory, funny or tender, about the lost loved one. Just as God comforts us, we comfort others: “He comforts us in all our afflic- tion, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Cor. 1:4). Pray, asking God to comfort you.
While our loss is real, it isn’t final. We can trust our loving Father to give us what we need to walk through a season of loss so we can celebrate the sure hope He has given us in Christ.