Part 3 / How can you communicate with your family about your final affairs?
Preparing Ahead for the ones you leave behind
Miriam Neff
originally published in Mature Living Magazine, June 2022
Family talk and money talk seem like oxymorons.
Like jumbo shrimp, legal brief, plastic silverware, or working
vacation, they just don’t seem to match. While you may be tempted to avoid a family talk, a conversation about money is inevitable. Better sooner than later. Better planned than in an emergency. Family money talk will happen. Let’s make it meaningful for you and your loved ones.
Think simple for starters.
It is likely that adult children want to know about their parents’ finances. After all, the children may be responsible for supporting their mother or father — caregiving and long-term care. Will there be enough? Some may be curious but hesitant to ask.
Financial resources vary greatly. That talk will be quite different for the family where parental resources are limited and outside aid may be necessary. For the family who has much, there might be reluctance to reveal that. Realizing that family members are different, let me acknowledge that not all of your children need to know your net worth. In fact, some advisors recommend that none do. However, for some families, one adult child may be the designated trustee. (See Part 2 of this series.) That person needs to know.
One widower called a meeting of his children, held at his summer home, and invited his financial planner to be part of the meeting and available for questions afterward. While few would choose this or even need this, it worked well for him and his family.
The main purpose is for a gentle, clear discussion to help avoid future dissension and stress. Ask God to give you wisdom and to give your loved ones open hearts to hear Him.
The Topics To Discuss
1. WHAT IS YOUR PLAN? The plan should include these three people: the power of attorney for property, the power of attorney for health care, and the person with HIPAA authorization per the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. Aren’t you glad you determined those after reading our last article?
2. WHAT ARE YOUR RESOURCES? It is legitimate for adult children to know if you have adequate resources for whatever lies ahead or whether more action should be taken. Addressing this without specific numbers is enough. If resources are not adequate, investigating early is better than procrastinating until an emergency requires action.
3. WHO IS THE POINT PERSON FOR INFORMATION? Let your loved ones know who the trustee of your trust fund is (or executor of your will). When you leave family behind, that person will be contacting them. At least one adult child should know who your lawyers and financial planners are. It is likely a lawyer drew up your will and trust. That child should also know where contact information is for banks and brokerage accounts, as well as where passwords are — though you don’t share them at this time.
Let your loved ones know you can go into greater detail. Many may not wish to.
A one-on-one conversation is good for those with more questions.
The main purpose is for a gentle, clear discussion to help avoid future dissension and stress.
A Time To Meet
Don’t choose a time that coincides with a birthday or typical holiday celebration. Do think convenience. Some may need to meet virtually using FaceTime®, Skype, or Zoom®. You may invite only your children. When possible, I recommend including spouses. Some grandchildren might benefit from being included. Discernment is needed for whom to include. In some cases, a child may not be included. Families are messy. This is a time for information transfer, not necessarily a time to try to heal divisions. It’s your call.
Don’t expect all matters to be fully covered and all questions answered. Do state a timeline you’ll move through and allow time for questions. For family members who are dreading this meeting, they’ll appreciate a predicted end.
Move through each topic you’ve determined. You can entertain questions then or explain, “We’ll cover that in more detail in a bit. Let’s get through the general information first.” Some may want to “escape” the meeting before a deep dive into one aspect.
The Legacy To Celebrate
Legacy is much more than money, so here was my approach. I determined we’d have a family time to focus on what is being passed on that is most important. I told them in advance it was NOT about a will or trust. That was a relief to many.
This legacy meeting took place well before the family finance meeting. While only eight were present, the character values I shared were true of each adult. I described this kind of “capital” as having greater worth than any earthly asset.
I shared with my family three legacy characteristics that were already apparent in them:
First, I reminded them that each person is precious — apart from position, power, ethnicity, ... anything. Our family includes adoption, diversity which is already evident in the third generation. (See Ps. 139:13-16.)
Next I affirmed their biblical work ethic. I shared some stories of their grandfather’s jobs in grade school and the work ethics I saw in each of them. (See 1 Tim. 5:8.)
Then I celebrated how each is hospitable. I gave examples of hospitality I knew each of my children and their spouses shared. (See 1 Pet. 4:8-9.) Then they chimed in with their own memories of hospitality when several children joined us on our cross-country, conversion van adventures. Laughter aplenty!
A preliminary meeting like this lays a positive foundation. Remember that the first family discussion won’t cover everything. Also be prepared for different reactions: some may want to linger, while others may hastily exit.
Congratulations. You have been bold enough to start planning a conversation with your loved ones. Likely, there will be fewer surprises after you leave them behind. Hopefully, a bit more unity. Family unity is something we cannot really control now and definitely not after we are gone. So we can inform, but trying to control outcomes is probably futile. Ultimately, we must do what we sense God asks of us and leave the outcomes to Him.
Ultimately, we must do what we sense God asks of us and leave the outcomes to Him.
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